i'm just thinking aloud right now--listening to my tori girl with the conviction of a tired angel...
i know i should continue doing right and good...that's my duty --my purpose--continue...continue..continue to believe that eventually all of this emptiness will be filled with something other than the fabricated beliefs and mantras that i repeat each day...breathe--your time is coming soon...your time is coming soon....
loneliness should not be your main staple.
i am not lonely per say...
it's just that ...i am not-not lonely.
double-negativeositive--at least that is what mr. gerstein taught me in 6th grade...maybe it was earlier...but he's the one that will receive the credit. he was one of the first men in my life that i was not afraid of...maybe it was the way he took care of his model airplanes. Each one was delicately painted by hand and then hung with a tiny piece of fishing line from his classroom ceiling. I would daydream...about the delicate nature in which he would take care of each of those planes--and then share them with us. He was a very old man--he taught me how numbers could dance and spin...and how i could supply the melody with my mind. He was like my other grandfather....and I already had another grandpa who loved math...so numbers and men were safe--or at least men who knew how to dance and sing and compose melodies with numbers--

i don't know...there's something about the silence of words...that i also enjoy. and while i never had a teacher in language arts that taught me vulnerability like the math teachers, they did teach me something about supplying sound to the words. i read stories...and began to live them. i composed by own plot each morning...recreating myself with aqua net hairspray and hair dryer..make-up--thick black eyeliner and clumpy mascara--i'd watch mtv as my muse...and read the stories...and breathe life into my own.

i played out many female archetypes--most teenage girls do....the damsel in distress will get you a jock...the equation goes like this---
helpless + physically strong= codependent, potential recipe for abuse if damsel accepts her role permanently.

then there was the rebel chic...who'd find the nerdy but totally hot (intellectually) quiet guy
b.a. + recluse = great sex, but no progression--no abuse--just...constant confusion and state of ....

and still another--my most utilized--wild, reckless girl--dionysus in feminine form...totally hedonistic..with any other...
hedonistic chic + whoever = near insanity

i am not sure why i had to play out all those roles...part of the process i suppose. and now, here i am--mother, mentor, friend...sibling to none...teacher to many..daughter to two...

i want the words to untangle the thoughts...untangle them and lay them out into predictable equations.
when will i find...the answer...
when will i find the other half to my equation...to his equation....we'll balance each other out..and the words will speak to each other...and..it will just...

make sense...

i'm tired. i'm really, really tired of getting it..but not living it. i'm tired of being alone...because..i want to truly live and explore life with someone else.

i'm just thinking aloud...because my words can't scream...and numbers can't whisper my life into form...
so i'm thinking aloud..hoping someone can understand them.